


Adventures in solitude never done

by robotwitch



Series: Once more for the ages [44]
Category: The Last of Us, Uncharted (Video Games)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Gen, Healing, Hurt/Comfort, Mental Health Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-13
Updated: 2020-02-13
Packaged: 2021-02-27 23:34:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,439
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22694134
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/robotwitch/pseuds/robotwitch
Summary: Haunted by the things they've done; Ellie struggles to let people in, Nate's not about to let her learn the hard way.
Relationships: Ellie & Joel (The Last of Us), Nathan Drake & Victor Sullivan
Series: Once more for the ages [44]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1289426
Comments: 10
Kudos: 28





	1. More than begin

**Author's Note:**

> This is a crossover of Naughty Dog properties, an alternate universe where there is no Cordyceps Brain Infection outbreak and everyone lives. Both the Uncharted and The Last of Us characters are here and very much alive, brought together through Cassie and Ellie's chance meeting at summer camp.

Despite what Sully said about his potential, Nate assumed it was all just talk to get his wallet back. There’s no way Sully actually meant to teach him anything.

He’s already atoned for whatever sin he thought he committed by letting Nate stay on his couch until Sam got out of prison, so why the hell is he getting notes from Victor Sullivan asking him to join him in Peru?

Nate’s intrigued to say the least.

Sam barely acknowledges the note, too preoccupied lining up _his_ next gig. “So long as you’re going, you better take this – and watch your back.”

He holds the revolver out to Nate. Swallowing, Nate stuffs it in his backpack along with the rest of his things.

Sully smirks with satisfaction as Nate catches up to him at the airfield.

“You know as much about the conquistadors as you do about Sir Francis Drake?”

“Know more about them than you,” Nate puffs up.

Chuckling, Sully claps him on the shoulder, “This should be fun then.”

Nate can hardly believe just how much.

Sully entrusts the map to him and within hours of their trek into the jungle, Nate’s uncovered a secret passage with a lock mechanism it only takes him minutes to figure out. If there hadn’t been a cave-in probably decades if not centuries again, it probably would’ve been a decent shortcut rather than a dead end.

“You’ve got to be goddamn kidding me.”

“What’s the problem? We’ll just backtrack the way we –”

“It’s not that, kid. We’ve got competition on our heels.”

“Competition?”

Sure enough, another band of treasure hunters has followed them down the passage, cutting off their exit.

“Keep your head down, Nate.” Sully draws his pistol and peeks out over their cover to fire.

Nate jumps slightly with every one of Sully’s shots. He blindly reaches into his backpack for the revolver, clutching the grip of the gun steadies him – gives him something to focus on other than the blood pounding in his ears.

There’s the telltale click of an empty clip and Sully mutters, “Shit.”

Ducking out from behind their cover, Sully rushes the last man standing. While Nate’s seen Sully go toe-to-toe with Marlowe’s goons, this guy is twice Sully’s size; there’s no way he can take him out on his own.

Loading the chambers of the revolver the way Sam showed him, Nate cocks the gun, “Sully get down!”

“What the –?”

But Sully doesn’t hesitate to move his ass out of the way and Nate pulls the trigger. The bullet sinks into the big guy’s chest, spraying blood everywhere, as he falls face first to the ground.

“Oh crap –”

He blinks and in an instant Sully is tearing the revolver from his hands.

Waving it in front of his face, “That was damn lucky shot. Where the hell did you even get a gun anyway?”

Practically paralyzed, Nate stammers, “S-sam.”

“Should’ve guessed. What the hell was he thinking, giving a kid your age a gun? He’s barely old enough to handle one himself…” Sully’s rant trails off. “You hanging in there, kid?”

The adrenaline from the firefight dissipating, something new crashes down on Nate – nausea.

“I’m gonna be sick.” It’s embarrassing how much his voice cracks.

“Yeah, that’s a common reaction.”

Sully stands back as Nate keels over, his vomit soaks into the muddy ground.

He doesn’t get it. He couldn’t bring himself to pull the trigger to save his own skin mere months ago, and now that he’s finally bucked up the courage to do it, he’s retching in the dirt? He tries to swallow the bile back down.

“Don’t do that. Just let it out, kid. You’re holding up better than most grown men.”

“You’re just saying that,” Nate manages between bouts of sickness.

“Oh, I am, am I? Trust me, kid, you see a lot more shit like this in the navy than you do wandering the streets of foreign cities.”

Still trying to prove his point, “Sam didn’t react like this.”

“Only according to him,” Sully grunts. “It’s no easy thing, taking another man’s life. It’s the sort of thing that stays with you. It’s nothing to be ashamed of.”

Nate leans over, waiting to throw up again, but nothing comes; his arms are still shaking pretty badly. “How do you live with it?”

Sully’s finally at a loss for words.


	2. But less than forget

The glow of the holidays and the new year dims and Ellie’s dreams return like wind whispering through the woods.

She tosses and turns, fighting off David with all her might. Some nights she slashes her switchblade across his face, some nights he sinks he wraps his hands around her neck; too many nights they are both consumed by the flames. She doesn’t wake crying anymore but screaming, angry and terrified all at once.

No matter how the nightmare plays out, Joel is there to rock her back to sleep, quietly singing her a lullaby beneath his breath. Ellie grips him tighter and sobs into his chest.

Morning comes with a dry mouth and a dull headache. It’s hard to ignore the bags getting darker beneath Joel’s eyes too.

Anxious as sleep as made her, Ellie’s too exhausted to stay awake and stave off the nightmares.

It’s the same; flames licking her face, squinting through the smoke for an exit. David pounces, his soulless eyes boring deeper into her than the machete aimed at her heart.

Even if she manages to throw him off, he somehow gains the upper hand again, raving and howling.

“Fucking get off me!” she shouts back.

Her eyes fly open, ready to face David or to face her end, but he’s not there.

Her room is still and quiet, save for Nike’s concerned whine.

Joel sits on the edge of her bed, his hands held up and away from her, hushing her with a gentle reminder, “It’s okay. It’s okay. You’re alright, baby girl. It’s okay.”

Ellie’s heart slows. Her breathing calms.

Tentatively, Joel puts his hand on her forearm. “I’m gonna stay right here while you fall asleep again.”

Ellie stares at the scar beneath his hand; it’s the whole fucking reason they got sucked into Marlene’s mess and Joel’s only ever glanced at it. It amazes her that he’s never even asked, though the scar seems the furthest thing from his mind.

“I’m sorry,” she mummers.

“You’ve got no reason to be.”

Ellie knows that can’t be true, but if Joel refuses to hear otherwise, there’s next to nothing she can say that’ll change his mind.

“Go to sleep,” he encourages her.

Her eyelids fall heavily.

\----------

The creases in Ellie’s brow only deepen as she sleeps, but there isn’t anything he can do to ease her restlessness.

Pulling the door softly shut behind him, Joel returns to his own bed. Tess shivers as he lifts the blankets and climbs in next to her.

“Didn’t mean to wake you.”

“It’s not your fault,” she mumbles.

Joel grimaces.

Ellie’s nightmares have been hard on all of them, but they’re not Tess’s burden. They’ve not her responsibility; she shouldn’t have to suffer on account of them too.

“How is she?”

“Wish I knew,” he laments.

Out of the darkness, Tess rests a hand on his arm.

He winces. Ellie must’ve hit him harder with all her thrashing than he realized she had. There will more than likely be a bruise of some kind there in the morning.

The soreness is almost enough to make him feel sorry for whatever demons Ellie’s fighting in her dreams. Except he worries what will happen when she’s too tired to fend them off anymore.

She may be convinced she has to do this on her own, but Joel’s not about to let her do this alone.

\----------

Glancing at the clock, Ellie leaps out of bed. _Why the fuck didn’t Joel wake me up?_

She throws on the first clean clothes she finds, hurriedly brushes her teeth, and grabs her backpack, but when she’s finally ready, Joel’s in no rush to leave. He thoughtfully picks out a new tune on his guitar.

“I called the school,” he answers her unasked question, “Told them you weren’t feeling well.”

“What about your job? Maria will –”

“Maria knows you’re my priority.”

Ellie drops her backpack on the floor and collapses into the chair across from Joel. She’s exhausted, too many relentless nights of bad dreams.

Joel pauses his playing a moment and slides a mug toward her; he doesn’t normally let her drink coffee, telling her it’ll stunt her growth, but he’s acting strange this morning.

She wraps her hands around the warm mug, taking a sip as she listens to the haunting melody he’s composing; it reminds her of leaves falling and blowing about on a gust of wind. All at once, she’s both entranced and disheartened by the melancholy tune.

When Joel seems like he’s finished, “Did you write that?”

“Yeah. It’s just a little something I’ve been fiddling with. It’s not quite right yet.”

“It’s beautiful,” Ellie says absently, staring into her mug.

“Glad you like it,” Joel tries to shrug off the praise. “Go get your guitar. Might as well get some practice in since we’re both home today.”

\----------

While Joel appreciates Maria’s insistence Ellie learn music written by women, he doesn’t recognize it all and makes it difficult to help her through harder portions. At least she hasn’t picked up Tommy’s taste in music.

She sings along softly, “ _I caught his words in my open mouth; I gagged and choked and spit them out. I heard him turn as he did hear, my tiny heartbeat in his ear; I was already running. Oh! I heard him coming…_ ”

Joel’s amazed how much Ellie’s picked up in such a short amount of time. Already playing by ear, she stumbles over some complex fingering of the song she’s practicing, accompanied by muttered swearing.

Starting the song over, Ellie fumbles over the same trouble spot. She tries the lead in again, but it’s as if her fingers have tangled around themselves. She swears louder.

“What song are you playing? Maybe I can help you through it.”

Ellie growls, “No, I’ve got this.”

Each attempt is more frustrated than the last; parts she had down perfectly are beginning to unravel with her.

Finally, something snaps and one of the guitar strings flies loose.

“Shit. That’s it. I can’t fucking deal with this right now.”

Joel looks up from where her hands rest on the guitar to Ellie’s face. He hadn’t noticed the tear streaks streaming down her face – a sight he’s seen too often in the dead of night these past few weeks. Her musical block has nothing to do with the difficulty of the song.

“I think we’ve practiced enough for today.”

Ellie nods, vigorously wiping her face on her sleeve.

“How about we take a hike, take Nike with us, get some shooting in –”

“I’m not in the mood to talk.”

“You don’t have to utter a goddamn word if you don’t want to.”

Ellie’s jaw clenches, but she agrees.

Their walk is very much the opposite of their trek to Jackson two summers earlier; ankle deep in snow rather than boiling under the sun, strained silence instead of Ellie’s curious chattering.

She lingers where they buried the Cordycepys fungus.

“It’s not going anywhere,” Joel assures her.

Ellie nods curtly and moves on, though somehow more aimlessly than before. Joel adjusts the rifle on his shoulder and follows.

Angry with Marlene for burdening Ellie with that bullshit mission, Joel wishes there were some way to convince Ellie she did all she could. That this is the best solution they could’ve hoped for, but he’s barely sure of that himself these days.

Nike’s ears suddenly perk up and the mutt goes stock still. Tracing his gaze, they spot a buck through the underbrush of the woods.

Joel unshoulders the rifle when Ellie puts her hand out.

“Don’t,” she says softly.

Together they watch the buck move through the trees undisturbed. When it vanishes from sight, Ellie starts to move on, but Joel catches her by the shoulder.

“Ellie, I know I said you didn’t have to talk if you didn’t want to, but you ain’t been yourself lately. And your nightmares are worse than ever –”

Ellie jerks her arm out of his grip; hugging herself closely against the cold mountain gales, refusing to look him in the eye.

“This is about last winter, isn’t it? It’s alright, Ellie. You can tell –”

“But that’s just it. If I tell you, you’ll just blame yourself.”

Joel swallows. He knows what Ellie thinks happened between him and Sarah was because of the accident. What she doesn’t understand everything that came after. He’s not that man anymore.

“You did everything you could to keep me alive last winter, that was already more responsibility than you should’ve had to bear. Please, Ellie. You don’t have to protect me.”

Turning still further away from him, “I was fine for a while when you were in the hospital. I didn’t have your credit card anymore, so I couldn’t keep staying at the motel, but I survived; spending nights at the homeless shelter, hunting in the woods. I was fine, until he found me.”

“Who found you?”

“David – that crazed hick we met out in the woods. I didn’t recognize him at first, but he kept hanging around the hospital, waiting for me to come see you.”

Joel goes rigid. He’d forgotten their chance encounter, overshadowed in his memory by the assault at the ski resort and the fall. He sees now how much it shook Ellie to her core; how he may have suffered in the short term, but she is still suffering. How she blames herself for what happen to him.

“When I stopped visiting, he found me in the woods, put me in a cage, and –”

Joel steels himself as her breath hitches, but Ellie can’t go on.

“He didn’t –” he can’t bring himself to say it either.

Ellie aggressively shakes her head, but there’s no relief in her response. The damage has been done. “I broke his fucking finger the first time he laid a fucking hand on me.”

 _That_ sounds more like the Ellie Joel knows, but something about it still echoes in his head. Finding Ellie among the flames, she tried with all her might to push him away from her. And then last night, she still screamed and fought as he tried to soothe her. And again, just now.

Joel resists the instinctual urge to pull her into his arms to shield her from the world.

His throat dry, “How did you wind up in that burning building?”

Ellie shakes her head again, “I escaped, but the blizzard forced me inside and David found me again. We fought – I couldn’t let him chop me up into tiny pieces –” Ellie sobs, hiding her tears by burying them into Joel’s chest; he wraps his arms around her despite himself, it’s all that he can do for her now. “I wanted to kill him.”

“Killing’s not an easy thing to live with. I’m glad you didn’t,” Joel squeezes her tighter. He ain’t proud of it, but he knows what he would’ve done if rescuing Ellie hadn’t been his first priority that day, and he would’ve been glad to do it.

“But every night I’m back in that hell and it just fucking keeps getting worse.” Every few words is punctuated with another sharp sob.

“He can’t hurt you anymore, baby girl.”

“Then why do I keep dreaming about it?”

His jaw clenches, “I wish I could explain it.”

\----------

When she finally draws away from Joel, there are tear stains on his face too; Ellie’s stomach churns with guilt. She focuses on how much deeper the creases in Joel’s brow seem because she can’t bring herself to meet his eye.

He gives her shoulder a reassuring squeeze, though which one of them it’s for, she’s not sure.

They stay on the hill until her hiccups subside. Back at the house, they don’t really do lunch, except Joel puts on another pot of coffee.

Ellie wraps herself in a blanket on the couch, accepting the steaming mug he offers. Pouring his own cup, Joel settles down next to her and puts on whatever game he can find. With only an occasional comment about a certain play or call made, they stay there until Tess gets home.

“How’s our patient doing? Feeling any better, Ellie?”

She blinks, realizing Joel must’ve fibbed to her about why they were both staying home today. Though she wasn’t really sick, strangely Ellie does feel better not to be hiding anything anymore from Joel.

Truthfully, “A bit.”

“Good. Cause I ain’t about to get sick on your account.” Tess’s lip quirks upward, like she knows Ellie’s not really sick, but there’s not hard feelings for it. Turning to the kitchen, “How about some dinner?”

“Sounds good,” Joel calls after her.

Considering for a moment, Ellie whispers, “You can tell her, if you want.”

Joel raises his brow, “You sure?”

Ellie chews her lip. She’s not really, but Tess deserves to know why she’s being kept up at night. And Joel deserves someone he can lean on.

“Yeah. Sarah knows already too.”

“How does Sarah –?”

“I told her right after we got back to Jackson.”

Joel tenses, but doesn’t say anything about her telling Sarah before him. She needed to tell someone and it all just sort of spilled out.

“I’m glad,” he finally exhales.

“You’re not mad?”

“No. Sarah’s got more sense than I ever have. If you had told me, I might’ve said something then I’d regret now. I’m relieved you told someone.”

Much good that it’s done her. Sarah’s never here when Ellie’s nightmares take hold, but then again Ellie’s never reached out either. Ellie also explicitly asked Sarah not to tell anyone.

Sarah’s been true to her word; Ellie hasn’t exactly been true to hers. She promised she would reach out if things were getting worse and she didn’t. She just let herself succumb.

But now that Joel knows – Ellie somehow feels safer.

After dinner, Joel wraps his arm around her, and Ellie drifts off in front of the TV.

\----------

The ground’s still frozen solid, but the world’s begun to thaw. Spring is coming.

Joel tries not to count the days since Ellie’s last nightmare. She still ain’t sleeping easy – better, but still restless; he peeks in on her as he goes to bed himself, just to check.

She flinches in her sleep against the thin line of light from the hall, her breath hitching. Joel lingers until her breath evens out.

He hates how much he’s reminded of last spring. Her quiet disposition and her distance, even understanding why doesn’t make it any easier to watch her isolate herself.

But just as the world is slowly returning to itself, so is Ellie. She comes home bursting about something that happened in her after-school club one afternoon; Joel can’t help but marvel at her renewed excitement.

It’s a different sort of load off Joel’s mind when Sarah tells him she’s sticking around for spring break, rather than going to visit Andrew’s parents.

“If you keep rejecting their invites, ain’t they gonna suspect something’s up?” he jokes poorly.

“Shut up,” she rolls her eyes. “They understand I haven’t seen you much in the past few years.”

She makes it sound as if he didn’t stubbornly convince himself she was better off without him. He’s trying his damnedest to make up for that – to make sure he won’t make the same mistake with Ellie.

“By the way, I should thank you for letting Ellie confide in you.”

There’s a flash of guilt in Sarah’s eyes, Joel lets pass; it wasn’t her place to tell him, she has nothing to feel guilty for.

Sighing, “I’m glad she finally told you.”

“So am I.”

They can look out for her together now. Though something about watching her chase a muddy Nike into the house for a bath sets Joel at ease.

There’s no urge to look in on her later that night. So far as he knows, Ellie sleeps peacefully.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song credit: Neko Case "Fever"


	3. We thought we lost you

Ellie jolts awake with sweat on her brow.

Nike barely lifts his head as she climbs out of bed.

Running the tap, she splashes cold water on her face to stop her heart from racing. She catches sight of herself in the mirror, dark and heavy bags under her eyes. God, she looks like she hasn’t slept in weeks – but it was just one nightmare.

She hasn’t had one in nearly a year and this one was… different. She never saw David’s face, but she could feel his eyes on her back as she ran deeper into the woods. The hair on her arms still stands on end.

 _It was just a dream_ , she tells herself. _It doesn’t mean anything._

But she can’t shake the instinct to run as far and as fast as she can.

She doesn’t have to be afraid anymore- she _shouldn’t_ be afraid anymore.

She’s alive and Joel’s healed and David – well, she doesn’t really know what happened after Joel pulled her off him, preventing her from killing him. She assumes the cops arrested him, but she hopes the fire got to the fucker first.

Climbing back into bed, Ellie’s too tired to worry about if she’ll have another nightmare.

In the morning, it’s obvious she didn’t sleep any better.

Will and Steph poke her to keep her from nodding off during class. She’s not so lucky in classes she doesn’t share with either of them. Nobody says anything at Maria and Tommy’s, but it’s like they don’t think she can see the concerned glances they cast between her and Joel during dinner.

That makes her more nervous than anything to go to sleep later that night. She delays, pretending to do homework or to pay attention to the news with Tess.

She knows the dreams are coming again, if she could only just stave off her drowsiness just a little bit longer.

\----------

“Where’s Ellie?”

“Gone to bed already. She didn’t look too well.”

It was already curious not to find Ellie waiting up for him to come in from the garage, but the worried lines on Tess’s face concerns Joel.

“What do you mean? She sick?”

Tess shakes her head, “Not so far as I could tell.”

Joel didn’t want to believe it, but he recognized the harrowed exhaustion in Ellie’s eyes yesterday. They all did; Sarah even pulled him aside to ask after her, but Joel didn’t have an answer.

His heart sinks at the notion of Ellie trying to fight off her nightmares alone… again. He thought they were going to face this together – that she knew she could come to him.

Defiantly, “Gonna go check on Ellie.”

She sleeps fitfully; not even Nike, curled beside her, chases away her fears. She shudders, her grip on Nike tightens, and Joel tenses, waiting for either her brow to unfurrow or her to wake up screaming.

Ellie doesn’t scare easy, which is why it terrifies Joel there’s something out there that frightens her so deeply she can’t hide behind a brave face.

Whatever darkness casting its shadow on her passes and Ellie’s hold on Nike relaxes.

Joel lets go of a breath he didn’t realize he was hanging onto. He hates that he almost wishes she had woken, if only to give him some pretense to broach the subject.

But he knows only too well how one’s pride can get in the way. Until Ellie puts aside hers, there’ll be no getting through to her.

\----------

It’s getting worse. The prickling sensation on her neck doesn’t stay in her dreams anymore; it lingers as she waits for the bus in the dark and resumes as the sun sets on her walks with Nike.

Still Ellie somehow manages to sleep through the night, even if she never gets up feeling rested.

Just like she endured that winter, she can survive this too. She doesn’t have to run to Joel.

But it’s getting harder to keep her eyes open during class and sneaking sips of Joel’s coffee isn’t cutting it anymore. She pours herself a full cup one morning, neither Joel nor Tess says a word.

On the bus, she tries to decide if that means they know and they’re waiting for her to come to them or they haven’t noticed anything’s wrong and they’ve stopped caring whether or not it stunts her fucking growth.

She’s almost seventeen for fuck’s sake, it’s not like she’s gonna get any taller at this point.

Whatever the reason, Ellie’s pretty sure it’s the only thing keeping her going this winter.

Later that night, as she’s waiting for the caffeine crash to send her off to a dreamless sleep, her phone buzzes

 **[Cassie 10:17 PM]** I know it’s late your time but i haven’t heard from you in a while and i missed you 😝

Ellie frowns at the message.

She hates that she’s been avoiding Cassie’s texts; Ellie’s answered every one of Cassie’s paragraph-long messages with a single word. She hates how Cassie’s infectious energy just makes her feel worse.

 **[Cassie 10:20 PM]** Hey are you mad at me?

 **[Cassie 10:20 PM]** Did i say something wrong?

 _Fuck._ The last thing she wants is for Cassie to feel like shit because of her.

\----------

 **[Ellie 7:21 PM]** No we’re good cas

 **[Ellie 7:21 PM]** Promise

Cassie knits her brow. She doesn’t understand what the problem could be otherwise.

 **[Me 7:22 PM]** Is everything okay then? You haven’t really been yourself lately

 **[Ellie 7:23 PM]** Yes everything is fucking okay

 **[Ellie 7:23 PM]** Everything is fucking fine

Despite the toneless nature of texting, Ellie’s words are anything but. They cut deep into Cassie’s chest. But it’s the most Ellie’s said in weeks, Cassie’s not about to let that slip through her fingers.

 **[Me 7:24 PM]** No need to snap at me el

 **[Ellie 7:25 PM]** Then stop treating me like everyone else

 **[Ellie 7:25 PM]** I’m so fucking sick of everyone checking in on me

 **[Ellie 7:26 PM]** I can take care of myself

 **[Me 7:27 PM]** They’re just worried about you

 **[Me 7:27 PM]** And so am i

Cassie holds her breath, afraid that if Ellie’s really mad, she won’t respond at all.

Like last year, when Cassie wouldn’t hear from Ellie for days and then when she finally would, it was never related to was they were last talking about.

“Something the matter?” dad’s voice pulls Cassie out of her spiral.

Cassie chews her lip unsure what to tell them, when her phone goes off.

 **[Ellie 7:29 PM]** I know

 **[Ellie 7:29 PM]** Sorry

She stares at the texts, willing Ellie to say more, but it seems as if Ellie’s decided to shut her out.

“Cassie?” dad nudges again. Both he and Sully are staring at her, over the map of the show’s next dig site.

Cassie opens her mouth to try to explain. Her phone buzzes again instead.

 **[Ellie 7:33 PM]** Can we talk? Like for real

Cassie’s heart leaps into her chest, instantly texting back ‘yes’.

“Sorry, dad. I’ll explain later.” Darting out onto the deck, Cassie settles into the hammock to wait for Ellie’s call.

Her imagination runs wild with what this could possibly be about. She has a few guesses, but Ellie’s always been so tightlipped about her anything in her life from before moving to Jackson – before Joel.

When her phone finally rings, Cassie doesn’t know if she trusts herself not to say something stupid. But she answers anyway, “Hey.”

“Hey,” Ellie says tentatively. “How’s Hawaii?”

Cassie glances over the beach she calls home, the night sky reflected on the dark water. She never realized how much she took the serenity here for granted before.

“Peaceful. How’s Jackson?”

“Dismal,” Ellie mumbles.

“Ellie, what’s going on? What’s this about?”

For a while, all she hears is the lapping of the waves on the shore.

Ellie takes a breath deep, “Remember how I told you that Joel got me out of trouble with some people back in Boston? We spent that whole year on the run and that winter, Joel got hurt – real bad. And I was left on my own… Cassie, are you sure you want to hear this?”

Cassie’s stomach does a somersault. It’s like mom and dad coming clean about their grave-robbing days all over again. She may not necessarily want to hear it, but she has to; Ellie needs her to understand.

“I’m here for you, Ellie. Whatever you need to tell me, no matter how hard.”

“I should probably start at the beginning then.”

\----------

“What’re you still doing out here, kiddo? It’s late.” The screen door slams shut behind Nate, startling Cassie.

She quickly tries to brush away the tear streaks. Her voice clings to her throat, “Nothing. Just thinking.”

“Is everything okay with Ellie?” He sits down beside her.

“How did you know –”

“Let’s just call it paternal instinct.” Nate waves it off, but it would be difficult not to have noticed how anxiously Cassie’s been waiting to hear from Ellie. “You wanna talk about what’s going on?”

Figuring it out as she speaks, “Ellie didn’t say I could, so I better not.”

His heart pangs for Cassie, torn between her dedication to her friend’s privacy and not wanting to keep secrets. “If Ellie’s at risk of doing something –”

Cassie vigorously shakes her head, “It’s not like that. At least, I don’t think it’s like that.”

Nate sighs, somewhat relieved, but his heart still aches for Ellie.

He hardly knew what to think when Elena told him what Joel revealed about smuggling Ellie across the country for the Fireflies. He’s been double-crossed plenty, but it all seemed petty and trivial compared to what the pair of them went through.

Maybe he’s finally been married to Elena long enough for her journalistic instincts to have rubbed off on him or maybe he’s just too used to not getting the whole truth from Sully or Sam, but Nate couldn’t help thinking there was more to their story – that there was plenty more being left unsaid.

Whatever it is, Cassie’s more worried than she’s willing to say.

“Okay. You don’t have to tell me what she said, but can you tell me what’s upsetting you?”

It’s a fine line, but he knows Cassie can toe it without breaking her friend’s trust.

She chews her lower lip, “She hasn’t talked to Joel – or even Sarah – about any of this. I mean, they know, but they don’t know…”

Inhaling, Nate wraps his arm around Cassie, “When something’s wrong, it’s harder to talk to the people we love. We don’t want to worry them –”

“But if I can tell something’s wrong from a couple of texts, it has to be totally obvious to them!”

“I know, but Ellie either has to be willing to accept their help or pull herself out of this hole on her own.”

“Speaking from experience, boy-o?” Sully joins them on the porch; Nate should’ve known he’d be listening through the open window. “Speaking from the other side of that experience, there are plenty of outstretched arms waiting to catch your friend when she’s ready.”

Nate meets Sully’s gaze. He doesn’t have to imagine the hell he’s put Sully through, they’ve been there and back together. What he can’t imagine worry he must’ve put Sully through during his darkest hours.

“How do you know when someone’s ready?” Cassie sniffles, trying hard not to start crying.

The best Sully can offer is a shrug, “Hard to say, but something will get through to her. Until then, so long as she’s got friends like you, nobody’s gonna let her sink any further into that pit.”

Cassie wraps her arms around Nate’s middle.

He kisses her temple, “You did the right thing by telling us. You should get some sleep, kiddo.”

Nodding, “Okay.” With another squeeze, she gets up and gives Sully a hug too, “Thanks.”

“Don’t mention it, Cassie. Goodnight.”

Once Cassie’s inside, Nate finally exhales. He’s been so afraid of Cassie suffering from depression same as him, he never considered it might be someone she cares about, let alone someone else’s kid. It’s the worst sort of relief.

“Sure would be a nice night for a cigar,” Sully laments the loss of his preferred method of contemplation.

Nate laughs dryly.

Staring out across the dark ocean, “You know what you have to do, don’t you?”

Incredulous, “What’re you talking about?”

“You’ve gotta get Cassie’s friend some help.”

“Oh no. No. No. It’s not my place, Sully. I barely know the girl –”

“You said it yourself – it’s far harder to admit our troubles to the people we love. We got damn lucky Elena was able to pull your sorry ass out of that hole. Now Cassie’s poor friend is down there and you’re telling me you don’t want to help her?”

It’s not that he doesn’t want to, but that he has no idea how. That he wouldn’t want to overstep his bounds with someone else’s daughter.

“How would I even begin to tackle that subject?”

“You’ll figure something out. Always do.”

It’s incredible how after all these years, Sully still has the same faith in Nate as Nate does in Sully.

If being open with his family about his depression has meant nothing else, it’s made them all more watchful of their friends and loved ones. Nate can’t let that go to waste.

\----------

Having Nathan Drake in his contacts is never gonna be anything short of strange to Joel.

Nathan Drake calling him – well, that’s just pie in the goddamn sky.

Nate pushes past Joel’s awkward greeting to get straight to the heart of the matter, “I hope this isn’t out of line, but how’s Ellie doing?”

Joel silently bristles. It would be an innocent enough question, if it weren’t for the way Nate asked it – like he knows he’s about to tread on thin ice.

Trying not to come across as too defensive, “How do you mean?”

“Cassie mentioned Ellie hasn’t been herself lately.”

“That might be a hair out of line.”

“Course, sorry. It’s not my business. I just – I know what it’s like being that kid.”

“Being what kid?”

“The kind that thinks they can handle everything on their own.”

His indignance slowly dissipates. He supposes he’s still not used to folks wanting to help out of the goodness of their hearts, but Nate’s genuinely concerned.

“Never seen a kid more determined than Ellie to take on the world by themselves,” Joel muses.

Nate quietly chuckles, “I bet.”

His laugh reminds Joel why he took to the Fisher-Drakes in the first place, even before Elena filled him in on their criminal history. There’s an easiness to them, an earnestness that just can’t be feigned.

Even Nate’s offer of friendly paternal advice was endearing. Funny, how Joel thought raising one daughter mostly on his own made rendered the offer unnecessary.

“You know, when Cassie was born – it was automatic. That urge to just do anything for her – do you know what I’m talking about?”

“Yeah, I do. It was the same with Sarah. Wasn’t immediate with Ellie – too much else in the way, but eventually…”

It dawns on Joel what Nate’s trying to say without saying it. Joel remembers all too well how he failed Sarah when she needed him. He can’t make that same mistake with Ellie.

Joel clears his throat, “…The damn problem is I don’t know what to do. Ellie’s been through a whole peck of trouble – more than anyone her age should have to, and I thought we could just go on with our lives and forget, but it ain’t that simple.”

“I get it. I know a thing or two about hiding from one’s past myself. It never ends well.”

“I was afraid you’d say that, but you’re right. Hasn’t exactly ever ended well for me either.”

“You want to talk about it?”

Joel scoffs. He can’t figure out what it is about the Fisher-Drakes that gets him to open up more than he’s ever cared to cause he’s never wanted to talk about anything less, yet he can’t think of anyone who would understand it better.

“We’re both done enough we’re not proud of – things we hope a judge would show us some clemency for, right?”

“Not to sound like the lapsed Catholic I am, but a judge can’t exactly absolve us of our past sins. But yeah, we have,” Nate admits.

“When I was injured, there was a man who tried to hurt Ellie and try as I might, I can’t find a shred of compassion for him and I don’t want to.”

“What about Ellie?”

Joel can’t swallow the bile rising in his throat. Ellie shouldn’t have to forgive that monster for what he did to her. That ain’t right – it ain’t fair.

“I don’t know, but I don’t want her to either. He doesn’t deserve it.”

“I’m not suggesting she forgives _him_. I’m asking if she’s forgiven herself.”

“What for? It wasn’t on her.”

“You’re right,” Nate agrees. “But guilt’s a funny thing.”

Joel doesn’t see anything funny about this, except Nate’s Catholic upbringing is showing again.

Nate’s tone suddenly changes, “I’ve got an idea that might help.”

Skeptical, “What’s that? Take her to mass? Neither of us are exactly the church-going types.”

“Take Ellie to see a therapist. It’ll relieve some of the burden from you both and it’ll help Ellie realize what we both already know.”

Snorting, “Doubt that notion would go over too well coming from me.”

After all, it ain’t like he ever sought out help for Sarah. Never even considered it for himself.

“What if I talked to her? Elena and I are taking Cassie to visit her grandparents for spring break. You and Ellie could come down for a few days and I’ll talk to her.”

“You’d really do that?”

“I’ve been that kid, remember?”

He doesn’t know what it is about the Fisher-Drakes. First Cassie, befriending Ellie despite the distance. Then Elena, finding a way to bring them all together. Now Nate.

Joel appreciates Nate asking his permission before approaching Ellie, admires his willingness to try even more so.

But the tension between his shoulders remains.

\----------

Ellie’s not nearly as excited about this trip as she wants to be.

When Joel first brought up the idea of seeing Cassie this spring break, Ellie was over the moon, but it’s March now and her dreams have gotten no better.

She still wakes up in a cold sweat, rattled by the conviction of David’s pursuit. Her only relief is that night shortens with every passing day.

The week of spring break rolls around, Joel and Ellie pack up the truck, leaving Tess and Nike behind and driver the eight hours to Denver.

It’s strange, meeting Cassie’s grandparents; more awkward to watch Joel attempt polite small talk with them. Weird to be surrounded by Elena’s childhood memorabilia. Nerve-wracking to be sharing a room with Cassie – afraid of waking Cassie with one of her nightmares.

Worst of all, Ellie hasn’t been able to shake the feeling of being watched since they arrived. She thought she caught Nate staring when she anxiously glanced around the room, but she must’ve been mistaken.

If she could just rid herself of one of those feelings, Ellie thinks she might be able to relax – then it could be like their Thanksgiving visit all over again.

But she can’t and Ellie shifts in her seat all throughout dinner.

“How about we all go for a hike tomorrow,” Elena suggests.

Ellie does enough hiking on her own at home, but there’s no chance of getting any rifle practice in with Cassie since her grandparents wouldn’t approve, so Ellie doesn’t object.

As they climb into bed later that night, Cassie muses, “You’ve been awfully quiet tonight. You okay?”

“It’s nothing,” Ellie lies reflexively, rolling over on her air mattress. She winces at herself and comes clean, “Just still not sleeping very well.”

There’s a rustle of blankets and Cassie’s hand reaches out through the darkness and somehow finds Ellie’s. Ellie hangs onto it for dear life.

Whether it was the human connection or Cassie herself, Ellie sleeps through til morning.

Energized, Ellie blazes ahead of everyone on the trail. It isn’t until the others are far behind her, Ellie notices a second pair of heavy footsteps in the woods. All at once, the dread and the fear come rushing back.

Ellie freezes in her tracks, expecting David to emerge from the trees, but it isn’t him. Nate wanders off the beaten path, spotting her at the same time a chill shoots down her spine.

“You look like you’ve just seen a ghost,” he tries to lighten the mood.

Ellie shivers, shaking her head, “It’s not that. Just –”

She’s at a loss for words, but she’s already told everything to Joel and Sarah and Cassie, she shouldn’t have to explain it to anyone else.

“Don’t worry about it,” Nate shrugs. “Ghosts aren’t that scary anyway – not compared to yetis or zombies. Maybe on a level with djinn.”

He grins, but Ellie’s not entirely sure he’s not joking. She sure hopes he is.

Finally uprooting herself, “Right…”

Ellie’s gone about three steps before Nate calls after her, “Race you to the top?”

It wouldn’t exactly be a fair race. Nate’s got size and years of experience climbing unfamiliar terrain on her, but Ellie’s fast and determined.

“You’re on, old man.”

She breaks into a competitive sprint and takes the lead until she reaches the first cliff. From there on, Ellie doesn’t stand a chance after that; Nate doesn’t even pity slow up.

Nearing the peak, Ellie stupidly grabs a loose rock and slips backward. She yelps as a strong hand grips her wrist, pulling her up to the summit.

Nate’s not even winded, but Ellie’s heartrate refuses to settle.

“You alright, Ellie? Gotta be more careful the closer you get to the top.”

“Yeah,” she manages, inching toward the edge to get a better look. “No shit.”

Nate chuckles, though more to himself than at her.

Ellie wishes she had realized it would just be the two of them when they got to the top because even though the view stretches out for miles, Nate’s gaze stops at her. Though she likes Cassie’s dad just fine, the back of Ellie’s neck prickles.

Annoyed, “Do you mind?”

Nate raises his hands in surrender, “Sorry.”

“Why’ve you been staring at me anyway?”

“Just trying to figure out how to start this conversation.”

Warily, “What conversation?”

“The one where I tell you I understand what you’re going through and suggest you talk to a therapist.”

Ellie would give anything for Nate to be joking with her right now. She hates that she can’t convince herself he isn’t, but Ellie can’t ignore that look in his eye like he’s drowning in regrets.

Bristling against it, “How could you possibly know what I’m going through? You don’t even know where I’ve been.”

What the hell does Nate know about being on the run, hunted by the authorities and an anarchist group? He’s got everything – a perfect family, his own TV show, a house on his own fucking private beach. There’s no way he could understand what it’s like having almost nothing.

Nate breathes deep, finally looking out across the mountains instead of through her. Exhaling, “More than you realize and only as much as Cassie and Joel said –”

“You talked to Cassie and Joel about me?”

Her rage is twofold. She should be more upset with Cassie for spilling her secrets than she is, but she’s even angrier with Joel.

After everything they’ve been through, he went and fucking blabbed more than he probably ever has in his life. She thought they could get through this together too. She thought Joel had more faith in her than that.

Nate winces and tries covering for them, “They didn’t tell me the specifics.”

“They shouldn’t have told you anything. They shouldn’t even be worried about me.”

“Too late for that. They were worried about you before they knew what was wrong and they’re going to continue being worried about you until you get help.”

“How would you fucking know? Ellie shouts at Nate because Joel’s not here to yell at and she desperately needs to rail at the sky.

“Because I was in denial about needing help once too.”

Ellie recoils as his earnestness clashes against her anger, “Bullshit. You’ve got it all. Your life is fucking perfect.”

Nate chuckles hollowly, “It does seem that way, doesn’t it? But the truth of the matter is it was a long time before I got my crap together.”

For a split second, Ellie doesn’t see Cassie’s dad in front of her, but Nathan Drake. His cocky, yet charming TV personality fades away and what’s left is a deeply vulnerable man; he almost reminds Ellie of Joel like this.

She supposes that must be why he had such an easy time seeing right through her.

“What took you so long to figure it out?”

Nate shrugs, “I was on the run a lot. Never realized there was something I was trying to outrun.”

Ellie’s mouth is dry, “What were you running from?”

“A lot of things – the authorities, other treasure hunters, but mostly myself and my own damn death wish.”

“How come it took you so long?”

“You’d think the amount I flirted with danger would’ve been a major hint, wouldn’t you? But no, it was Elena. She finally got through to me, reminded me there were people who cared about me – told me to do what I’m telling you now.”

Ellie chews her lower lip, unable to look away. One excuse after another crosses her mind, but Nate probably has a counterargument for every one of them, except…

“What if I’m beyond help?”

“You’re not. I promise.”

Ellie wants to believe him so badly, but she just can’t.

“Will you at least try it? If not for yourself, then for everyone who cares about you,” he pleads.

At long last, the rest of their group reaches the summit, cutting their conversation sort. Ellie casts a glance at Nate, but he’s collected himself enough to grin at their arrival. Ellie does her best to follow suit.

Cassie ribs her, “Sorry we took so long. We found some elk tracks; we tried to follow them to spot it, but no such luck. Hope you and dad found something interesting to talk about.”

Cassie’s voice has the same earnestness as Nate’s, it’s what drew Ellie into being friends with her and sharing her secrets. Cassie didn’t mean any harm by telling Nate.

Silently letting go of her hurt, Ellie’s smile is no longer forced. “Yeah, we managed to find something in common.”

It’s as if nothing in the world could’ve made Cassie happier.

Ellie avoids even looking at Joel until they’re heading back down the path. She drags her feet, trailing behind the rest of the group this time.

She can’t tell if Joel’s purposefully following suit or if the lingering cold is making the healed wound feel stiff. Either way, Ellie’d rather not make the rest of their trip awkward by waiting.

“Hey Joel. Wait up.”

“What’s going on, kiddo?”

“I think I should talk to a therapist,” she wrings her hands.

His mouth twitches under his beard in a way Ellie doesn’t recognize as either a smile or a frown

Letting it all out, “I can’t take it anymore – the nightmares. But ignoring them’s not making them go away. And I’m so tired of being scared.”

Silently Joel wraps an arm around her shoulders and kisses on her temple. Joel would’ve never dared it back then, but Ellie thinks of all the nights she spent curled up next to him at the end of that terrible winter.

“Alright, Ellie. We’ll start looking for someone when we get home.”

Patches of snow linger along the edge of the path, but with a few more days of warmer weather they should be completely gone. It won’t be long til the mountainside is totally green.

As usual, it’ll take time for things in Jackson to thaw, but Ellie’s curious to see what spring will yield.


	4. It will all come back

Ellie usually doesn’t have a problem ignoring the TV while doing her homework, but Tess must have the volume up a bit louder today because Ellie can’t seem of focus.

The news anchors promote local feel-good stories before getting to the shit that actually matters.

She’s just about ready to hunker down and finally get some work done when a mugshot flashes across the screen with the headline, ‘CO murderer subjected to capital punishment’.

His face is drawn and harrowed, but David’s beady eyes are unmistakable.

Ellie freezes as if his gaze could follow her across the room.

Sensing her distress, Nike puts his head on her knee and whines.

A reporter interviews the district attorney, “It’s been over sixty years since the execution of any prisoner on death row, why has the state decided to overturn that precedent for this case.”

“In the simplest terms: because the verdict was made beyond shadow of a doubt on multiple counts of capital offense. Despite the disturbing nature of the case and of the proceedings, the evidence against the convicted was overwhelming.”

“But the death sentence has long been a subject of debate in this country –”

“I understand the moral dilemma such a verdict causes, but the court is ruled by truth and justice, not by crisis of conscience. From where I stand, I hope the ruling brings the families of the victims some measure of peace.”

The reporter tosses the story back to the desk, but the report doesn’t end there. Statistics on convictions and sentences and public opinion flash across the screen.

Ellie feels lightheaded; three years and she can finally stop looking over her shoulder.

The door opens with a scrape as Joel comes inside, muttering to himself about fixing the hinges this weekend. He stops short when he sees the news.

He places a hand firmly on Ellie’s shoulder. “You alright, baby girl?”

Ellie nods vigorously, “Yeah. Just something to talk to my therapist about.”

Joel doesn’t remove his hand, but his grip relaxes.

For the first time, Ellie thinks they both truly believe she’s gonna be okay.


End file.
